Shelton Sundaes · Official night-driving bulletin · Nº SS-900-N

Do not sundae
and drive.

A warning to every motorist who has ever pulled away from the window at night, in a Saab, in a tailored suit, holding a sweet treat he had no plan for.

Night scene inside a Saab: a furious man in a grey tailored suit with black woven through it and a black bow tie grips the steering wheel while a chocolate sundae drips down his shirt and lapels. Two kids in the back seat laugh, holding their own intact ice cream. Rain streaks the windows and neon signs glow outside.
Exhibit ANorthbound Saab 900, 9:41 p.m. Sundae: total loss. Suit: grey, black woven through, tailored. Bow tie: present. Motorist: livid. Passengers, ages 10 and 12: having the best night of their lives.
Warning

Operating a Saab while holding a chocolate sundae ends exactly one way: hot fudge on worsted wool, and a grown man in a bow tie gripping the wheel like it owes him money.

  1. Never drive a Saab with a sweet treat. The 900’s seats are bucketed. Your sundae is not. The first left turn is not a corner — it is physics.
  2. Hot fudge does not respect tailoring. Grey wool with black woven in is not stain camouflage. At 45 miles per hour it is a $1,200 napkin.
  3. Do not be that mad in a car. No destination has ever been improved by arriving furious and sticky. The children in the back seat will remember the yelling longer than they remember the ice cream.
  4. If you must sundae, park. Engine off. Both hands. Napkin deployed. Eat it like a person, counselor.